Of dead horses and local government

South Park - Because we can

I’m not sure if there are copyright rules for posting e-mail circulars onto blogs but as soon as I read the following I knew it was designed to be shared. So, without further ado, and with apologies to the original author for a few WLLG additions, we present ‘Dead Horse Theory’:

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that; “When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.”

However, in local government, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as: 

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Telling everyone that we’ve always ridden our horses this way
8. Benchmarking our horse against dead horses ridden by other authorities
9. Hiring external contractors to resuscitate the dead horse
10. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
11. Hiring outside consultants to put together a training programme to support staff to work better with the dead horse
12. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
13. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse’s performance.
14. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s performance.
15. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed , it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
16. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horsesAnd of course:
17. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position

Do you have any other ways that we could make the dead horse more productive? If so please make a note of some of them below.

Welovelocalgovernment is a blog written by UK local government officers. If you have a piece you’d like to submit or any comments you’d like to make please drop us a line at: welovelocalgovernment@gmail.com

On the eighth day of Christmas our bloggers gave to me

Some local government (well, one local government and some other government) quotes:

• Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too. (Richard M Nixon) 

• The best argument against democracy is a conversation with the average voter. (Winston Churchill)

And whilst we’re on Churchill here is a couple of humerous exchanges between Lady Astor (the first female MP to take her seat) and Mr Churchill:

• Lady Astor: “If you were my husband I’d give you poison,”
  Churchill: “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”

• Lady Astor, observing a drunken Churchill: “Winston! You’re drunk!”
  Churchill: “Yes madam.  You are ugly, but in the morning I shall be sober…”

• For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program (Anon)
• Creative semantics is the key to contemporary government; it consists of talking in strange tongues lest the public learn the inevitable inconveniently early (George Will)
• Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything. (Josef Stalin)
• The difference between a misfortune and a calamity is this: If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity. (Benjamin Disraeli)
• This will be a progressive settlement, ensuring fairness between different parts of the country. (Eric Pickles clearly trying to be amusing)

On the first day of Christmas our bloggers gave to me

Some Local Government jokes

Q. Why won’t sharks attack Public Sector consultants?
A. Professional courtesy

There were two public realm service facilitators working for the city council; one would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill it in. They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, “I appreciate the effort you’re putting into your work, but what’s the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again.
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, normally we’re a three-man team, but the bloke who plants the trees is sick today.”

Q. How many Eric Pickles does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None, they are too busy screwing over the public sector.

A proposed council tax-evaluation policy will mean reassessment of current house values which will mean they will charge us more if we live in a nice area. That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.

There is a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of irritable dogs. Her car isn’t taxed or
insured and doesn’t even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing. Her bad-tempered old man is notorious for racist comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son’s girl-friend, but nothing has been proved.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay. Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying in nightclubs. They are out of control.

I hate living near Windsor Castle…

Q. What’s the difference between a rooster and consultants?
A. The rooster clucks defiant…

With mortgage rates being as they are, I recently decided to renovate my house rather than move, as it’ll be cheaper. However this makes a lot of mess, so I decided to hire a skip from the Council. I called them up and asked for one, but I don’t think they understood. They told me I can cartwheel around the estate for all they care, and that I don’t need their permission.

Two weeks later a self-risk assessment form for skipping and forward momentum activities dropped through my door though.