Everyone loves a leaked letter:
For Christmas, I would like the gift of a major Government Department to run. I don’t want to be greedy so I understand that Foreign Secretary or Chancellor of the Exchequer might be a bit much to expect. However, the Home Office or Ministry of Justice would be great and they’re going to be available? To be honest, even DEFRA would be an improvement; and I’d still be in charge of rubbish collection which is one of my favourite topics!
Now Santa, I know exactly what you are going to say and before you do let me say this: I really have been a good boy this year.
Unlike some of my ministerial colleagues I have always done what I’m told. When David or George, or even that annoying Lib Dem Danny, come a calling with the begging bowl I always make sure that I find some millions of pennies from the DCLG to throw into the national pot. Whereas Liam spent his days ‘protecting’ his department and not behaving like a proper minister, I made sure that I put the needs of the Government ahead of those of my Department and Local Councils up and down the country.
For all my faults Santa, I am a very honest man. Whereas some of my friends have ignored what they said before the election (mentioning no names Caroline and Nick) I have stuck steadfastly to my commitments. Others might have mocked my commitment to weekly bin collections but I know what matters to the people who voted for me and I’m a man of my word. A localism bill? Delivered! Regulations cut down so short that they are almost meaningless? Tick! That’s got to be worth something right Santa?
Whilst I have my pen out I should put in a word for some of my friends.
Grant and Greg have been very clever boys and deserve a really big present. Bob is a loyal man and has been very effective at telling off incalcitrant local authorities and that deserves a present. There’s also this other guy who comes to our meetings who I assume must be the secretary or caretaker; he seems like a very nice guy so could you make sure Andrew gets something too!
I know this is against the spirit of things but might it also be possible to put some people on your ‘naughty’ list please? I don’t want to grass people up but I think it is rather unfair that local authorities might be getting Christmas presents this year. They’ve not behaved well, constantly moaning about me; I mean how difficult is it to cut 25% from their budgets?
I think the only way they’ll learn is if we take their presents away from them and don’t let them have any until they’ve done what we tell them to. I’m thinking perhaps a two year present freeze would be the minimum to expect.
Anyway, Santa I’ve got to go. I’ll make sure there’s lots of mince pies and sherry out for when you come visiting.
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