If FIFA ran local government

What's the worst that could happen?Thanks to our extensive network of contacts we occasionally get sent some very interesting information, some of which is even true.  Today we are reprinting something which could potentially change the way local government runs forever more, a letter* sent out by FIFA at its recent election/coronation/farce.

If you have any additional diktats that you think FIFA would declare do tell us below, or tweet them using #FIFAgov.

*This letter is 100% made up.  No FIFA delegates were harmed in its fabrication.  Unfortunately.


FIFA delegates,

As has been reported widely in the media, the alleged corruption in the senior ranks of FIFA is forcing some of our number to come under investigation and could potentially lead to them leaving their roles here.  That is going to mean we have a lot of FIFA people out in the world who can move into similar roles in other major organisations.

We’ve decided that local government looks like an area in which we can make a FIFA difference, so below are our proposals for how we plan to revolutionise the way they do their business FIFA style.

  • The president (elected mayor) would be chosen on the basis of how many languages they speak, rather than their competence.
  • The standards committee will be staffed only by members of the council who had been in the organisation during any ‘alleged’ corruption.
  • The leader of the council will always be presented with flowers after each decision (s)he’s made.

  • The female officers will all be asked to wear tighter tops and shorter skirts.
  • We want all discussions to be available to every tier of our population, so no service will be allowed to make use of technology to improve it and eliminate human error.
  • Every officer will have two assistants to look at things from different angles and another assistant to keep track of their schedule and time keeping.  Officers in key services will also have two further assistants, exact details of the benefits they present will be worked out at some point.
  • Managers of very small services will get an equal say in the budget making process as the head of adult social care.
  • Each council meeting will be accompanied by a dancing girl performance next to the Mayor’s chair
  • Councillors will have slush funds to spend on ‘projects’ in their local area; no receipts are required and the councillor gets to name the resultant project after themselves.
  • Although the council has 60 members only 15 of them are allowed to vote on the biggest decisions.
  • All new facilities will be built in the areas which have never had them before.  It doesn’t matter whether they need, want or deserve these facilities, just whether they have had them nearby in the past.
  • All decisions will be made behind closed doors, with no-one allowed to know who decided what.
  • The phrase ‘Freedom of Information’ will be banned.
  • All grant funding awarded to the local authority will first be channelled through delegate’s personal accounts, who will then make sure it is distributed properly.

Never let it be said that we don’t listen to our delegates (unless of course England are speaking, then according to section 123, sub section 4b, paragraph 6, clause 17 we all get to put our collective fingers in ears), so if there are any other ways of working please list them below or tweet them to us at #FIFAgov

Your overlords,


Welovelocalgovernment is a blog written by UK local government officers. If you have a piece you’d like to submit or any comments you’d like to make please drop us a line at: welovelocalgovernment@gmail.com

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6 Comments on “If FIFA ran local government”

  1. Pete McClymont Says:

    A few suggestions for #fifagov:

    – all council mtgs to start with bizarre performance by Grace Jones (or other has-been)
    – lease cars for all members: exclusively black, late model Mercedes
    – and my personal favourite: tax free status for salaries, perks, earnings!

  2. Robespierre Says:

    Sounds like Tower Hamlets

  3. Paul Withers Says:

    Another one:
    – spend millions marketing a campaign about respect for the authorities, but turn a blind eye every time they see video evidence of someone swearing at an official

  4. Ed Hammond Says:

    Full Council to follow the example of FIFA plenary meetings in being ill-tempered opportunities for posturing, with no actual decisions taking place and ineffective wrecking measures being put forward at inappriopiate moments.

    Oh, hang on…

  5. jgh Says:

    * Although the council has 60 members only 15 of them are allowed to vote on the biggest decisions.

    That already happens, it’s called Cabinet (oh, and erm, Scrutiny).

    * All decisions will be made behind closed doors, with no-one allowed to know who decided what.

    Yep. Cabinet System, with controlling group deciding in Group Exec meeting beforehand.

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