April Fools

Who's the fool now?

Its April Fools day and as it’s Friday we thought we’d try this; ten things you would only hear in local government on April Fools Day:

1)      “Good morning everyone; instead of only using the tannoy in the building to announce fire alarm tests, today the Chief Executive is going to read some of her favourite poetry”

2)      “It’s a bit nippy this morning so we’ve decided to turn the heating up”

3)      “Last night there were a group of residents outside. They were simply registering their satisfaction with the service provided by the council”

4)      “Councillor ‘example’ is coming in to the council today to meet frontline staff and thank them for all they are doing: there’s not going to be any photographers”

5)      “Due to budget cuts, we’re going to ask staff to run around a hamster wheel each morning for 30 minutes to generate our electricity”

6)      “As your union official I’m here to tell you that the management of this council are doing a mighty fine job and we should support them during this tough time.”

7)      “Some staff in the civic centre have finished their work early so are going to pop down to the library and help out.”

8)      “The taxpayers alliance are on the phone; they feel they may have exaggerated their criticism in a recent article and are calling to apologise”

9)      “I don’t know how to say this but we’ve decided to hand over the management of the council to Theo Pathitis, Alan Sugar, Duncan Bannatyne, Gerry Robinson and Gordon Ramsey; we’re going to be filmed for a new documentary on Channel 5.”

10)  “My name is Eric Pickles and I LOVE local government”

Please do add your own below… Let’s see how many we can get!

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4 Comments on “April Fools”

  1. LG Worker Says:

    “Management has decided that all staff can use social media to promote their services, without piloting a project or them biting any nails.”

    “The Leader has been playing the lottery and has won the biggest rollover there has ever been. She has also won on the pools, been to Las Vegas and won a big poker game. At the same time the Chief Executive has put a small percentage of his salary on a winning horse. What is more, the Senior Management team have been looking down the back of all the sofas in their offices and have found lots of money. All of this money is coming to the Council and because of it, it turns out the Council is rich, can run with little money from Central Government and will not have to cut any jobs/services or benefits.”

    “We have declared ourselves an independent state.”

    “We’ve just had a phone call from every newspaper and media organisation in the UK, telling us they think all public sector workers work hard, are efficient and care for their community.”

    “The editor of the local paper has just called and wanted to say its time we had a good relationship between the Council and the paper.”

  2. Ed Hammond Says:

    “Just to let you know – we conducted a consultation on a big infrastructure development and a lot of the residents came out strongly against it. So instead of just rolling on regardless we’re actually going to rethink our plans”.

    “The PCT have just been on the phone offering to pay us back for the social care cost-shunting they did back in 2006/07”.

    “As part of a cost-saving exercise, we’re going to turn all the streetlights off at night”.

  3. HeadHunter Says:

    “Eric Pickles has warned local authorities that in a time of unprecedented change it’s important not to economise when it comes to top talent”

    “Daily Mail to sponsor Council of the Year Award”

    Department of Health shreds all guidance to local authorities because, basically, they’re the ones that know what actually matters to local people.

    A London authority announces that social care personalisation budget is now highly personal, as their new uber-meta-super-hyper critical threshold kicks in and Mr Joe Perkins gets the authority’s entire social care budget, of £35.

  4. Matt Says:

    A bit late but here’s one:

    “This is your chief executive- I’ve spoken to the Head of HR, and we’ve decided that as we have enough faith in you to provide crucial daily services, we also trust you to turn up for the jobs we pay you for. Please tear up your timesheets immediately”

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